Just a journal entry...

I've debated with myself for a week now whether I should post about this or not. But I feel like it is something that happened to me and I want to be able to go back one day and read about it. Since this blog is the closest thing I have to a journal, I decided I would post it. But please understand that I am not doing this to get attention or your sympathy. I simply want somewhere to put this, so that I can go back to it one day and read about it. And just a warning, it may be a little graphic for some, I wanted to have the details for a reminder too. Oh, and long.

On the 18th of February, the same day we had our family get together with Rob, I found out I was pregnant. That morning I had taken the test, and it immediately turned to a + sign. I already knew, even though I was only 3 days late, I just knew. I called Colby at work and told him, we were both excited and decided right then that we wouldn't tell anyone for as long as we could. I'm sure in the back of both our minds we were thinking I would start getting sick in almost no time, and we would have to tell because I would need help with Cutler. I was only about 4 weeks and we figured I would start getting sick at about 7 weeks, so we had a few weeks to go. As I posted before, the day I went to Park City I woke up with a horrible cough that burned from my chest all the way up my throat. But I was not going to let that stop me from a girls weekend we had been planning for over a month. I drove up there, and each day I got worse and worse. Saturday we shopped and I wasn't cramping, but I just didn't feel good, and in the back of my mind I knew something wasn't right. I got home Sunday, early afternoon and was so excited to see all my boys! The next morning when I woke up, I went to the bathroom and there was blood. But only when I wiped. I immediately called Colby and then the Dr. It was too early for the Dr. office so I waited by the phone right until it was time for them to start answering. At first they told me they didn't know if they wanted me coming in and putting the healthy patients at risk because I had this stupid cold, but they had me come in that afternoon. In the meantime my dr., Jeff Rogers was in Jimmy John's, so Colby stopped working and went to tell him what was happening and what we should do. I just love him! He told me we should take it serious and that they better get me in to see someone. He wasn't in that day so I saw dr. Ott, not my favorite. He did an ultra-sound and we saw the pregnancy. I remember when I was pregnant with Cutler at this exact same time I started cramping really bad, and was doubled over. They thought maybe it was an ectopic pregnancy, so we did an ultra-sound then too. This was the first thing he wanted to rule out. To him the pregnancy looked good. He said that when you start to miscarry the sack starts to turn from a circle to an oval shape. This was still in a circle, so I felt some relief. He told me to come back in a week or two and they would do another u.s for my sanity, sincy my regular first appointment wasn't until the end of the month. He told me I wouldn't need to go the E.R. if I kept bleeding, but that it should stop or slow down if things are o.k. And that I needed to rest and not do too much, like lift heavy objects...Cutler is a heavy object. While we were eating dinner that night, I asked Colby if I should have my dad come over and they could give me a blessing. I knew that when I asked my dad, he would immediately know I was pregnant. He came over and the that was the first thing out of his and my mom's mouth. I told them yes, but it wasn't good. I needed the blessing because of my bleeding. The next day I continued bleeding and it seemed to get worse and worse, more and more. I noticed it starting to get darker also. That same day Colby came home from work early because he was sick! Seriously, how can he take care of the boys when I can't, if he's sick too?! I decided that night that I would have to call for some help. Doug came wed. morning and took Noah to school and Cutler home with him. He brought them back after school and lunch, and then I put them down for naps and took a nap myself. Then my mom came and got them when she got off work and took them home with her until bath time. On Thursday Jennifer came and picked the boys up when she took Carson to school. I'm sure they had a blast at her house. That morning while I was getting them breakfast, I felt something weird drop. Almost like when you're delivering and you feel the baby drop down, and almost out. I stopped what I was doing and went into the bathroom. I had already changed my pad that morning, I noticed the new one was completely full and when I went to sit down on the toilet I huge clot fell into it. And a few minutes later another one came. During the day I passed 3 or 4 big clots, and miscarried the baby. Something I had heard happened to people all the time, but never thought I would have to experience it. I called the dr. and they had me come in that afternoon, again not being able to see dr. Rogers another dr. did the u.s. and confirmed what I was afraid had happened. When we left, Dr. Rogers was out in the hall and we stopped and talked to him and told him everything that had happened. I was so relieved that we were able to talk to him and that I was able to hear from him what needed to happen, and what we should and shouldn't do for a little while.
It obviously wasn't time for that little one to come and join our family, but we will try again.